dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
