I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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