I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
