I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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