she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
