I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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