insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
