Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
