Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
