I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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