I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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