Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
