how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
