i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
