i just had sex bonerless
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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