I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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