Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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