I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
As shirtless as possible
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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