Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
