I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
