i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
