and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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