I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
