now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
