Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
