I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
