I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
