Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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