the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
