Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's blow job season.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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