i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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