last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
