I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
