your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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