I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
