On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
