Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
