my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
