Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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