I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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