My Higher Power is John Stamos
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
