My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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