Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
