Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
