Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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