I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
