Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
