Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
