I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
