Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
