Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
