btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
