Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
